The NY Times Told Me I Was Unhappy

According to this article in the New York Times science section yesterday, Amy and I are the most unhappy people that have ever lived.

"Happy people spend a lot of time socializing, going to church and reading newspapers — but they don’t spend a lot of time watching television, a new study finds.

That’s what unhappy people do.

Although people who describe themselves as happy enjoy watching television, it turns out to be the single activity they engage in less often than unhappy people, said John Robinson, a professor of sociology at the University of Maryland and the author of the study, which appeared in the journal Social Indicators Research."

OH. So TELEVISION is the reason I periodically hate life? Hmmm, well that sucks, because I flippin' love TV. And Amy loves it even more than I do, so she must be practically suicidal. I shared the article with her this morning, and this was our gchat conversation about it:

Amy: Great, so I'm unhappy and will never be happy because I don't like people.
Me: Basically. BUT WE CAN'T GO OUT AND SOCIALIZE BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY. We're fucked.
Amy: UGGHH. So, what they are saying is, MONEY=HAPPINESS.
Me: BASICALLY.

10 minutes later...

Me: "Pushing Daisies" got cancelled.
Amy: That's what I figured.
Me: As did "Dirty Sexy Money" and "Eli Stone."
Amy: "Dirty Sexy Money" did? Huh, I thought people liked that show.
Me: Apparently not.
Amy: Maybe ABC only has money for "LOST" now. Which is really all that matters.
Me: True.
Amy: Omg, I fucking LOVE "LOST." Ugghh. Shoot. I'M SO UNHAPPY.
Me: YES, YES YOU ARE.

Do you like how after discussing that our love for TV contributes to our unhappiness, we immediately launched into a discussion about TV? That was not intentional. There is no hope for us.

On the bright side, mayhaps we'll be the first people admitted to a mental institution with UNNATURAL LOVE FOR TELEVISED ENTERTAINMENT listed on our admittance forms.

A Dangerous Obsession

I tend to get obsessed with things, if you haven't noticed already. But only weird, useless things that have no bearing on my actual life. Some people are like "I am very committed to ending poverty and volunteering my free time at soup kitchens and homeless shelters," or "I am very committed to inventing processes and products that will make people's lives easier and more productive." But not me. I am like "I am very committed to watching television and then doing supplementary research about the shows online," or something equally as mindless. Objects of my obsession have included using Wikipedia to learn how to freebase cocaine and make meth (even though I don't do drugs nor have any intention of starting), fundamentalist Mormon polygamy (thanks to HBO's Big Love), Harry Potter, DListed.com and Michael K, 24-hour diners, organized crime, and any number of celebrities who portray TV or movie characters that I adore (i.e. JON HAMM).

For the past couple of weeks, I've been searching for a new useless obsession to occupy the void that the end of Mad Men season 2 has left in my mind and no-heart. Luckily, Amy, aka the Television Detective, is my roommate and best friend. She discovered the show that has prevented me from thinking about anything besides vampires for the last 5 days: True Blood. Oh my god, do I ever love this show. Thanks to HBO's super-aggressive advertising campaign, I knew that the show existed, and that it was about vampires, but I did not realize how awesome and addictive it was. Amy randomly started watching episodes On Demand last Friday, and forced me to start watching it on Sunday. Since then, I've watched 11 episodes and have been able to think about nothing else. Seriously, only vampires. And not "Twilight" style teen-vampires, but dark and weird Southern adult vampires who look like Stephen Moyer and are attempting to mainstream into human society thanks to the invention of synthetic blood. Whoa. Sorry, I just got real carried away. Unfortunately, since we were late jumping on the bandwagon, this Sunday is the season finale, meaning that until season 2 starts, I'm going to have find a new obsession. Suggestions are welcome.

Here is the True Blood Season 1 trailer:


Tell me that doesn't look freakin' awesome. And for all of you people (ALLISON) who are like "I don't like shows that aren't realistic," please think long and hard about the TV shows that you do watch, like, uh Grey's Anatomy. I'm SURE shit like that happens all the time in actual hospitals. And don't even get me started on The Hills. The point of TV and movies is that they AREN'T real. (Not even reality TV). It's escapism. Which is why I love shows like True Blood, because it is fantastical enough to allow you to forget the monotony of your own life for a little while, but takes place in a world close enough to your own to let you believe, if only very slightly, that something like this could be real. And that is some damn good TV entertainment.

P.S. Happy Birthday Brigid!!! You should watch True Blood to celebrate.

User's Guide to The Strokeslap

For those of you who enjoy partaking in passive-aggressive activities, one of the most time-honored pursuits of this type of behavior is The Strokeslap. What is that you ask? Well, The Strokeslap is a technique typically utilized in interchanges between mothers and daughters, and among the members of bitchy high school girl cliques. But it comes in really handy when dealing with annoying people in work or social situations where being honest is frowned upon. It is a compliment (the stroke), flanked by an insult (the slap). For example:

Loch Ness Momster: Oh Adie, I love your new haircut. It is SOOOOO much more flattering than that last mop-head cut you got.
Me: Gee, THANKS.

Sidenote: Mothers are the only people on Earth who use The Strokeslap in a non-malicious way (at least my mom doesn't). Because by virtue of having birthed and raised you, moms are allowed to passive-aggressively let you know that your last haircut looked like shit.

We all have to associate with people who irritate us. Most of those people are found at work, and where passive-aggressivity is the only appropriate way to deal with your frustration, lest your honesty/lack of patience with stupid people gets you fired. The Strokeslap comes in handy when people don't do what they say they will do. For example, let's say one of your coworkers agrees to draft marketing material for a new product line, but instead turns into you a PowerPoint presentation describing how that product line is manufactured. Rather than telling them they are an idiot who doesn't listen to directions (which is what you should/will want to do), you can walk up to their cube and say "Hey Jim, thanks for that PowerPoint, you really are a wizard with that thing! (Stroke) However, it does not help me, or anyone else in this company. (SLAP!) Can you please do what I asked you to do?" Now Jim knows that I know he's really good at PowerPoint, and he also knows that I think he's an idiot, but he can't complain to higher management, because I didn't actually directly insult his intellect. MAGIC!

But there are also irritating people you have to associate with in your social life. Sometimes they are people you used to like but now can't stand, but usually they are the friends of people you actually like. If they are friends of friends, it is very difficult to make your dislike for them known without offending the friend you have in common. You will inevitably be forced to share oxygen with the offending person at any number of parties and other social events. Obviously, it is best to ignore these irritating people, but in the event that you are inadvertently become engaged in an annoying conversation with them, The Strokeslap is a good way to express your irritation without being overtly cruel. For example, if the irritating mutual friend has a problem with repeating themselves, you can interject with "Wow, that's quite a story. You've gotten much better at telling it. It wasn't NEARLY boring as it was the first 4 times I heard it." Then quickly walk away before they have time to process the thinly veiled insult.

I rarely have to use the Strokeslap in the company of annoying people as somehow over the years I've developed the ability to insult people to their faces and have them think I'm kidding. I'm not sure why this happens, but I'm really happy it does, because it has allowed me to say things like "Oh, so you really are as dumb as you look" with no recourse beyond, "Oh Adie, you're so dry and sarcastic." (I can usually fight the impulse to say "No, I was just making an observation.") But not everyone is as lucky as me, so the Strokeslap should be utilized when you need to be bitchy but can't be honest about it.